


Shadows of the Past Weigh Heavily

by Lola_McGee



Series: Kara is Really Really Queer Slight AU [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Even when tears are involved, F/F, F/M, Her angsty angsty pov, Kara Danvers is very willing to give her one, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena POV, Most every word is found in Lena talking, Mostly Dialogue, References to Homophobia, References to Transphobia, These two are soft girlfriends, legit, references to death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 13:25:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11082504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lola_McGee/pseuds/Lola_McGee
Summary: Lena shares a few memories of Jack.





	Shadows of the Past Weigh Heavily

**Author's Note:**

> So.... I don't know what to say about this one. It started off with (as usual) @littlebrother and I screaming head canons about each other. Specifically why, in this case, Lena "Lesbian" Luthor, someone who screams sapphicism, ends up dating a man. And a man who turns out to be just nice.
> 
> This... is the result. It's angsty. Very angsty. Tears may have been shed while writing.
> 
> I'll leave it to that. Angst below.
> 
> Edit (25/6): I've added this to the "Kara is Really Really Queer Slight AU" series. I struggled with whether or not I should have put this here since the beginning. This is very tonally different from the rest of this series, and I don't intend for this series to approach anywhere near these levels of angst at any other point. But since, a) I decided that this is canon in the series and b) it's important to recognize other experiences rather than just the amusing ones, i decided to add it.
> 
> Thank you one and all for reading.

It’s a lazy Saturday night; neither Kara nor Lena _need_ to be anywhere on Sunday; deciding to forgo making plans for cuddling on the couch; Kara’s head in Lena’s lap, Lena’s hands running gently through her hair, twisting locks slowly, braiding it softly before whisking the loose patterns she made with a solid tug, fingernails scraping lightly against her scalp. Kara’s smile is ecstatic yet soft; she’s perfectly content in that moment. They’ve been sitting like this, this repetition of Lena’s hand running through Kara’s hair, for a while before Kara speaks quietly. “Hey Lena?”

“Yeah?”

“What was Jack like?” Lena freezes for a moment; she knows why Kara’s asking. She knows what Kara’s asking.

What she’s asking is: _”Are you finally ready to talk about it, just a little?”_

What she’s asking is: _”Are you finally ready to talk about what happened almost a year ago?”_

What she’s asking is: _”Are you finally ready to talk about the only other person you’ve admitted to love romantically?”_

Lena’s not sure if she knows the answer to those questions; she might not be ready for it. However, she feels… She feels that she ought to speak. Not because she owes Kara anything, no. She owes Jack’s privacy much more than she owes Kara’s answers. But she has no idea about what to speak on first. Which memory to share, what facet of Jack would be the perfect one to introduce him even after his passing.

“You know, I remember the day he came out to me perfectly.” She doesn’t know why she chose that memory. That aspect of him. But… it’s a little too late to change her mind. She can feel Kara still beneath her; how she gives her full attention to Lena. So she carries on. “I’d known him for, what, 7 years by then? Since we were young, giggling together in stolen moments. It was about a year into our partnership; into us working on BioMax.” The familiar pressure builds up behind her eyes, yet she swallows, hoping that that would somehow keep them down. “I was a naive 19 year old, he was my 18 year old other-half. Even by then I was half in love with him, really.

“I’d already come out to him; a few years prior. I’m not saying that he should have come out at the same time, no. That’d be ridiculous. I just… Somehow it felt like necessary context, you know?” Her eyes search Kara’s hoping that she’s making sense; that she’s not sounding selfish for taking her time to get to the heart of the story.

Kara simply pushes herself up and wraps her arms around Lena’s waist; the action is steadying and grounding, letting Lena continue. “I just remember the day where he came up to me and told me he had something to talk about. He seemed… so nervous and scared. I know now why, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t just help but think ‘Fuck, this is about us, isn’t it? Is he dissolving the partnership? Did he discover that I was basically in love with him and wanted me to back off? Was he going to admit his own feelings?’ It feels ridiculous now, but I… I couldn’t. I can’t…”

Lena takes a deep breath, steadying herself in Kara’s presence. Kara still remains quiet, knowing to let Lena take her own time. When she speaks again, her voice is cracking slightly. “And then he said the words that I… I didn’t expect. He told me he is… he was trans.

“And I’d love to sit here and say that it suddenly all made sense; that it was as if it was the final piece to the puzzle that was ‘Jack’. But, it… it wasn’t like that. Not, of course, that I didn’t believe him. Of course I did. It’s just that… that Jack being Jack and not Leslie didn’t seem to matter. It was just who he was. It’s the same with me being gay. Or you being bi; sometimes it feels like you’re seeing this person in a new light; a completed light. But sometimes it just feels… absolutely irrelevant. No, that’s the wrong word. Absolutely… like… well like you simply just change the category in your head; that nothing drastic or dramatic was going on.

“God, Jack was so… strong. I’ve had my own fair share of slurs thrown at me. But… being Jack? Coming out, and so visibly too, then? From him coming out to me to him starting T was… 6 months? And he wasn’t quiet; everyone knew it. Lex’s… hate seemed tame in comparison. He just took them all and carried on. He’d often have to hold me; I knew, just knew, it was killing him inside, but he just… seemed to gain strength from their hate. Kept his head held high because he wanted to prove them wrong. I’d… only truly appreciate the feeling later.” Kara still remains silent, even as Lena winds down. 

(It’s as if she knows Lena better than herself; it’s as if she can see that there’s more that Lena feels _needs_ to be said, even before Lena sees it herself. It reminds her so much of her and Jack’s relationship, how thoroughly they _understood_ each other. Especially those last few years. Especially after he came out.)

It takes a few minutes of silence, however, for Lena’s voice to recover, for her thoughts to calm down, for her to ensure that the tears she’s desperately trying to keep in _stay_ in. All the while, being held by Kara, by her arms gently around her waist, trying not to apply too much pressure. “Even after he came out, I loved him. It… It confused me. I worried, a lot. That it was, potentially, my brain revealing how much of a bad person I was; that I still saw him as a ‘girl’, as someone attractive. But… even as the years passed, and he became more and more ‘masculine’, that basic attraction didn’t disappear. Even when his beard grew in. Which, of course, lead to a whole different crisis. Really, one I’m not sure I’ll ever solve.

“But no, it just… felt different with Jack. All I can think of is that I was falling in love with him anyway and it… him being a he didn’t change much of anything. So when one day he quietly admitted that he’d also been falling in love with me, I… I kissed him. The rest… Well, it’s not hard to figure out; I told you how that chapter ended, and you were there when the last page was turned.” A momentary pause, just enough time for a quick thought. “Those were the two of the happiest years of my life.” Then the two regard each other in silence. Extremely tense silence, too tense for Lena.

(Kara has to know that the last year isn’t happier for Lena. That their relationship beginning can’t make up for the shadows of the past. That that doesn’t matter, though. That how she cares for Kara is so… different to the way she cared about Jack, yet so familiar. That, if anyone at all could understand that you can’t simply compare and choose between people, Kara would; that Kara probably lost her ability to be truly happy the day that the pod was sent from Krypton. The day that she slipped into the Phantom Zone. That if she has to choose between Lena and her Aunt [the way she remembers her, back on Krypton. Not whatever she became on Earth]; has to choose between Alex and her Mother [the one she refers to as “je.ju te” in the dark of night, the one who let Kara recognize herself in Lena]; the choice would be impossible to conceive of. That it would represent two radically different worlds and to choose one would mean to cast aside the other.)

(But she doesn’t know if Kara recognize the similarity, the parallels. She can hope; she can believe. After all, Kara is so good and patient and kind that she would see, give Lena the benefit of the doubt even if she didn’t quite understand. But Lena _needs_ Kara to know, as much as she _needs_ food or water. _Needs_ Kara to understand how much Jack and Kara both mean to Lena, how they both built a foundation for her life to rest on.)

So Lena reaches out gently with her hands, touching Kara’s face softly. “Kara.” Kara just nods for her to continue. “If we end up getting married one day, I want to do a Kryptonian wedding. I want to make all of our major milestones in Kryptonian fashion.”

And Kara, presumably already taut from the emotional tension of the last twenty minutes, weeps. Tears flow freely as she clutches at Lena, arms grasping a bit too tightly, yet that’s what Lena _needs_ ; _needs_ to feel here and present in the moment. And Lena… Kara’s tears gave Lena the permission she _needs_ to mourn, once again, the man who she loved.

It’s all they can do, holding each other in the middle of the storm. There are ways for them to survive it outside of each other’s arms; ways for them to continue on without each other next to their side. But none of those paths seem… right. None of them seem as healing. This… This may not be necessary, but it’s what they _need_.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope it turned out okay, in the end of the day.
> 
> If you have anything to say (like to swear me out for literally anything) you can either leave it down in the comments or on Tumblr @alienbeegenders!
> 
> I hope you guys have a safe and good day. I love y'all.


End file.
